The day I woke up losing my grandpa forever...

 ** This post was drafted on Sept 15,  2020 **

Hey guys, 

How's everyone hanging in there? I'm so happy for my friends and families that are currently living their lives to the fullest in Malaysia and Taiwan. I'm genuinely happy for you all, please keep posting all the fun pictures on social media, the foods, the long-overdue vacation, the reunion, the celebration of all kind... Seeing all the joyful faces gives me hope, that one day when this fight is over, I'll be able to do all the fun things again too! 

It had been a very rough two weeks for me. But I'm gradually putting myself together and able to function again... 

This pandemic wasn't being kind to me at all. I thought losing my good friend in March was the hardest pill to swallow until I woke up one day finding my grandpa's gone forever. I can't comprehend which one was the hardest one, I just felt that my heart was so sore that it couldn't contain a single ounce of pain anymore. 

It was painful. Knowing that I won't be able to hang out with them anymore when I'm allowed to travel back home again... 

It felt so surreal. I woke up the next day wondering if all these were just a nightmare as if there's a reset button for 2020.  Of course not, 2020 is probably the hell year on earth. Ok, probably not, who knows, we might not reach rock bottom yet. 

I slept in for a week, reluctant to get out of my bed. It hurt so bad and I almost can't breathe, but life goes on, life must go on. So does grieving. During the whole week that I was sleeping in, I watched endless comedies and shows but found myself sobbing in tears. 

Then one day, it was last Wednesday to be precise, all San Franciscans woke up with an apocalyptic orange sky. The sun has given up, too. The sky was still dark with a sepia filter at 2pm. During the lunch break on zoom-schooling, Chloe gently asked, "Mommy, is it lunchtime yet? I can't really tell because the sky is still dark." Then my 3.5y/o baby Summer was feeling confused, anxious, and uncomfortable that Mr. Sun was hiding the whole day, she was fussy and cried for 3 hours. 

I didn't blame them. Deep down inside, I was crying uncontrollably too. 

"If this is the last day of my life, I don't want to end up dying here! Not San Francisco, I want to be closed to my family." I mean, I want my family to be closed to my family in Malaysia. That was the last straw for me, I was literally done with everything here in the glorious United States, you are too good for me. I'm D.O.N.E. 

My heart sunk. All I wanted to do was to pack my bag, hop on a plane and so long farewell... 

Guess what, on that same orange Wednesday, we scheduled to temporarily move out from our home and stayed at a tiny Airbnb due to a leaking ceiling in the living room. We are back home now, the constructors did a good job, everything went well according to plan. But that particular Wednesday made me look at my life differently. 

Although I wanted to escape this life in San Francisco so badly, I understand that it wasn't the circumstances or current situations that push me to make such a decision... It's because I have so much emotional baggage yet having zero outlets to relieve grief, loss, and sadness. I lost the strength to move forward and I hate that part of myself :( 

It's so (*&^%$&*(&^%$#%^&* hard... 

I want to take time to heal and be happy again. I just need some room to breathe, to relax, and to feel what I need to feel... Knowing the fact that all these emotions will eventually go away is such a huge reassurance. If you are going through a difficult and challenging phase in life, I hope this post will be an encouraging one. Don't be too harsh on yourself, pamper yourself with some of your fave pick-me-ups, pace yourself because life is a marathon, not a sprint. 

As for myself, I want to give myself a pat on my shoulder. Take your own sweet time to piece your life back together.  

#1 



#2 

See you guys again, hopefully very soon! For now, I shall take some time off to miss the wonderful people that had positively impacted my life and colored it with beautiful memories. I know that I will come back stronger, for sure. 

XOXO, 
Bev
(Written on Sept 15, 2020, revised 2 months after, lol. Stay tuned for Part 2)

How Not To Lose Your SHXT During Pandemic

Hey there,

Ahem... Pardon my language, lol. Last week was hxll to me, it was a huge emotional hurdle that I had to overcome and I'm so glad I did. And I'm so proud of myself. Nothing is more important than picking yourself up during gloomy days.

Five months plus into this global pandemic and the uncertainties still remain uncertain. If you read the news, you probably already know how poorly the USA did in terms of battling this virus during this unprecedented time. Each time I read the news, I'm floored by the leadership of this country, I'm sure you know I'm being sarcastic of course.

Ok. No more complaining. Albeit poor leadership, life still goes on, we still have to be resilient and be diligent.


#1 The silver lining of the global pandemic that we all human race are going through now is probably written in this picture. Yup, being able to smile under that dang mask. Not only do I unlock that skill, I freaking master it ok.😷😷😷

Pandemic is not a joke, so is the more-than-five-months social distancing and isolation. Remember I shared about setting up daily mini-goals? I'm still practicing that every day and doing that helps me stay focused and feels accomplished while being productive. Small steps make a huge difference. Keep fighting!

Without further ado, below are my to-do list for this week.

1. 10-min stretching daily.
Trust me, your body will thank you. If you manage to dedicate more time to exercise, go for it! Do yourself a favor. Somehow it's hard for me to workout during the day, Summer will jump on me and Chloe will distract me, so 10 minutes it is. I'm not going to kill myself or pressure myself.

2. Being outside every day.
We go outside every freaking day, be it in our backyard or in the woods. Vitamin D has a magic spell if you have yet to discover, make sure you absorb enough Vit D under the sun. Also, it is technically Summer now in the U.S., but unfortunately, San Francisco is famous for its Summer fog, duh... Summer is a state of mind anyway. Wear a mask, stay away from the crowded area, and always, always be precautions.

3. Having a stimulating conversation with a trusted friend or partner.
Ok, this probably only applies to me. Not sure what does a stimulating conversation looks like you but my definition of a stimulation conversation is this: Deep talk and real thought from heart between two or more individuals.

My soul screams for that. Thank God for hearing my need before I even recognizing it. A friend of mine called me last week and just talking to her lifting my spirit. What is more comforting than hearing my oldest friend, a graceful and elegant 93 years old lady, generously spilling wisdom and sharing her life stories. It is so beautiful and it makes me miss my grandpa so much, which indirectly motivates me to keep moving forward! 山穷水尽疑无路，柳暗花明又一村。


#2 Hang in there!!! No matter what situation you are in now. Remember that kids ❤️❤️❤️

4. Nurse your big feelings.
It's important to take a break, be it a mental break or a physical break when your mind or your body signals you to. I've learned to listen to my mind and body by working along with it. I used to sweep it under the mat or overlooked my spiritual needs when my daily schedule was swamped with chores and errands. Now I'm able to recognize my big feelings, validates them, and ride with them. It feels as if I acquired the superpower to learn the rhythms of the waves and seeing it washing up the shore in slow-mo before it hit the beach. 你懂的。

5. Invest in cute loungewear.
Hahaha... It's true. That's how I thrive. It is an ultimate secret that requires another blog post, agree? I love cute loungewear and already had a drawerful of them sitting in my closet but this pandemic gives me more solid reasons to splurge ok. No husband will disagree.

Thank you for sticking around still and still reading my lengthy post up till this second...

Here are some pictures of our family outing this weekend:


#3 It sure feels like paradise here in San Francisco, except the foggy weather.


#4 The geese.


#5 The kids following the geese. It rhymes ok.


#6 My babies in masks. And each time when I see other human being that are not wearing da mask in the public makes my blood boils X&*^%$X#%^&*(^%$#X@%^&*^%$#@Y%^&*^%$ZZ#%^


#7 Summer and pandemic. And each time when I see irresponsible and brainless people not wearing masks, my heart goes X&*^%$X#%^&*(^%$#X@%^&*^%$#@Y%^&*^%$ZZ#%^


#8 Measuring her height.


#9 Too cute not to post.


#10 Chloe, "Ma, take a pic of me please!" Ya, she calls me "Ma" now, God knows why. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️


#11 Mommy's purse = My toy.


#12 My koala baby taking a break in the tree.


#13 Mama Bev trying to conduct a 3-min lecture about birds' feather in her outdoor classroom.


That pretty much sums up my week, thank you guys for sticking around.

Every week is a new reflection on my life, one day at a time. May the best version of ourselves not only surviving but living, not only living but thriving.

Love you guys 😘😘😘



Ugh, tomorrow is Monday again,
Bev

Snow Cones, Shaved Ice or Whatever Lah

Hi there,

First off, hang in there, almost TGIF.

How's your week been going? Mine was... meh, it's ok. I'm kinda struggling here as an extrovert after being contained indoor for almost 5 months. While putting my head down working on my YouTube Channel (btw, new vid is up in case you have yet to view it), writing my blog, occasionally taking some insta-worthy pictures and quietly cooking two more side projects (hope things go well as planned) besides being a mom...

I think my day is pretty busy, but yet it feels empty sometimes. Some days are better, some days are not. like today. Duh... When days like this hit me, I usually calibrate my day with mini goals, it helps me stay focused and being productive... without neglect my emotional needs.

We all need an outlet to vent, to breathe, to scream, to take the edge off the immensity of our emotions. My outlet is my mini goals; my mini goals for today are:
1) Make something fun for the kids,
2) Update my blog.
3) Finalize the draft of my new video.

Guess what, because I make something fun for my kids, I get to post it on my blog, so I basically kill two birds with one stone, taa data.


#1 S.U.M.M.E.R... Just like her name 🌼🌈❤️


#2 Look at that smile, priceless. And if you look closely, Chloe was rushing over to get her share too! Hahaha. It's banana, milk, and honey flavored.

Nothing beats a refreshing snow cone on a sunny day. This $2.99 Koji Snow Cone Cups and Straws Set that I purchased from Target arrived couple days ago, I was so eager to try making snow cones for the girls.


#3 I invented a healthy version one, without food coloring, without corn syrup, without added sugar but with pure organic pineapple puree and 100% cherry juice that I made.


#4 That's mine, definitely can use a pick-me-up to reminisce our fun summer times in Malaysia as well as our family vacay in Hawaii...

Notice the huge bandaid on my lower arm? Thanks to excessive cooking, the wok's cruel revenge.


#5 Always in style even with tousled hair. She now picks her outfits every day.


#6 Indulge.


#7 Multitasking...


#8 Summer also picks her own daily outfits, just so you know, lol. Comfort first, style later. She won't compromise 😅😅😅 But well, I want to instill that, she might invent the most comfortable clothing material or space suit... No biggie for me~



That's about it for today. Just a quick reminder, no matter how dull our day may seem, it is still a privilege and luxury to be living this life. Always be grateful, always take a moment to remind ourselves: It's a blessing to be able to breathe, pause, reflect, and move forward...

Tomorrow is going to be a better day...

Trust me...

Bacasue it's Friday! Hahaha~~



Alright, imma to fulfill the last mini goal, gonna work on my video! See you on next posting, BS-ers ❤️❤️❤️




XOXO,
Bev

Short Escape to Napa Valley

Hello there,

Happy Sunday! How's your weekend? This weekend is one of my favorites since pandemic because it's the U.S. Independence Day aka July 4th aka national holiday! Nothing tops a short escape to my favorite town on this holiday weekend. We made a short trip to Yountville, Napa Valley. I always love the quintessential wine country experience with spectacular vineyard views and have been dying to visit Yountville again since my birthday in February.

I've been feeling a little discouraged and upset with the Covid-19 surge in California. Sigh. After staying indoor and cautiously practicing social distancing for four months plus yet the number is climbing every single day. While watching other countries, including my home country Malaysia gradually and strategically opening up for local businesses and schools, the Covid-19 situation here in the U.S. shows very little progress.

As I posted on Insta & FB yesterday, cabin fever is real when every day feels the same. Hence, I plan our family outings to reconnect with the world in a careful and respectful way. It seems like Covid-19 won’t be going away anytime soon. This is an uphill battle. It’s so important to take time, step back and see things through new eyes every once in a while. So I did, this Napa trip was a breather to me.


#1 It felt like a decade since I last put on a dress. Ya, it's tight.


#2 We first made a stop at Carneros Resort and Spa just because...


#3 The girls need to stretch and Chean thought this hotel has a beautiful and spacious outdoor space for the girls to wander around. The hotel was super quiet.


#4 Me lining up for my favorite bakery in Yountville, Bouchon Bakery by Thomas Keller.


#5 Guess how long it takes me to get in? One hour plus. Jeez, I forgot when was the last time I stayed in line for an hour just to buy some food for takeout. Chean treated the girls with ice cream while they're waiting for me...


#6 Aww~~ Worth the wait. How often can you get Yuzu Crossaint from a one-star Michelin restaurant during the pandemic.


#7 We picnic at a park in Yountville; I can't do outdoor dining outside the restaurant/bakery.


#8 Summer picked this, Cream Cheese Danish. Sooooo yummy!


#9 When she tastes something good, she wants everyone get a bite from it! Haha~ The line "Sharing is caring" is totally applicable.


#10 A random shot.


#11 My coffee, ice caramel latte. Mmm... Exactly what I needed.


#12 Fixing Summer's ponytail. It's such a mess!


#13 The stains? The cholocate ice cream.


#14 Checking out the vines...


#15 Grapes are growing.

#16 Ever since the coronovarius outbreak, it's so relaxing and comforting to be closed to green plants and nature. At least other living things are thriving while human beings are confining in their homes. Well, look on the bright side of life.


#17 I was smiling under da dang mask. Lol...


#18 This mini me obviously has better smile than me. BS-ers, Chloe is getting so big now, she grows a little each time I look at her!❤️❤️❤️


#19 Forever my baby girl.


#20 We ordered pizzas and this is my version of outdoor dining, haha.


#21 Vegetarian pizza with cheese, potato, onion and rosemary. It tasted better than expected.


#22 Hello Golden Gate Bridge, we then drove back to San Francisco in the evening.

It was a really short trip, we didn't do much too but getting out of the city helped me seek solace in this unprecedented time. The vineyard owners are still taking good care of my wines, haha, I like saying that all the vineyards in Napa are my wine collection caretakers, just for fun. Although many are closed. The plantation is still going; crops are growing strong...

I guess we are marching towards the end of the tunnel? Our journey of recovery might be longer than other countries but at least we are heading to the right direction? I hope. Praying that the U.S. leaders won't put in more tunnels for their people.

2020 was quite a year. Hope everything gets better after this summer.



Cheers,
Beverly

Backyard Camping, Say What!!!

Hi guys,

Happy Monday! Ugh... As much as I hated Monday (well, to be fair, it used to be my favorite day before pandemic), I used to loathe camping more. Hahaha~~ That was the old me, pre-baby Beverly. But look at me know, a mom of two and I'm raving about camping. Thank you motherhood.

Maybe I shouldn't take credit from Chean, let me confess. This was Chean's idea, authentically his Father's Day project with the kids. Lucky him, smart to exclude me from his backyard camping project, haha, truly appreciate him for not signing me up for extra works. Lap you.


#1 Good luck Chean! And Happy Father's Day 😆😜😂

Of course, I helped out too. Scroll down for evidences, k.


#2 It's all started with this piece of paper.

Chean literally sat the kids down for a brainstorming session a week before. How cute! The kids are never shy to ask for movie night and sweet treats whenever they could. Wish granted of course, Daddy Chean has zero power to resist when his daughters say, "Pleeeeease,"


#3 These two! Packed their backpacks, supa adorb~~


#4 Here. My major contribution of the day was to make sure that the camping foods were served on time at the right temperature. Wait, did I mention I was the one that bought and carry four bags of groceries home while Chean was setting up the camping tent.

Team work is magic, we always divide and conquer, no doubt.

#5 I know, their messy hair, fresh out from a quick shower though. Btw, Summer never let me work on her hair. And I don't want it to be a daily battle, so I just let her be and prep myself for a beautiful story to tell when she grows older. Aside from their hair, the sausage bun was a big hit!!!


#6 Cozy up inside the tent.


#7 The happy face I captured during snack time after dinner!


#8 Yan Yan with Baby Chloe


#9 Summer Bunny🐰🐰🐰


#10 Why you soooooo cute? ❤️❤️❤️


#11 Second round of sweet treat.


#12 What's camping without S.M.O.R.E.S?


#13 The most anticipated moment of the day! The highlight of their sweet tooth journey.


#14 So much sugar!!! *fainted*

This probably one of the many reasons why I'm not a super big fans of camping yet... It's the camping foods that drive me nuts a little 😜 Think about all the can foods, high sodium pre-prepped meals, and the unnecessary extra sugar that these two little bodies inhale... So unhealthy 😆😆😆 Ok, I should stop nagging and just focus on the fun elements.


#15 We played and hung out in the backyard until the sky turned dark, which was a brand new experience for us.


#16 Then Chean brought the girls inside the tent and I went back into our house. Yup, you read this right, I can't sleep on the airbed, it's too uncomfortable for me 😅😅😅

Well... I thought I'd be able to have a restful night but boy, I miss them so much (just the girls, Chean can continue to stay in the tent, lol). It felt a little weird not to have them sleeping inside this house with me; it's indeed the first time for me to be by myself in the house and the house suddenly felt so big. Boo Hoo... I didn't sleep well. I now understand how Chean felt each time I brought the girls back to Malaysia with me; he must have felt the same too. Not loneliness but the emptiness, it felt strange.


#17 Took this pic at 3am that day. I wasn't alseep yet so I checked on them from the dining room.


#18 This was taken at 9a.m.! My babies were up!!! Look at Summer, she was so elated to see me! And Chloe? She's always swinging 😂


#19 I sped to the tent and gave them the biggest hug. So I asked if they miss me, of course they answered Y.E.S. and then, Chloe said, "I feel so bad for you Mommy that you have to be in the house all by yourself. We had a really fun time camping out here."

Hahahaha! Her bold statement made my day; it totally provided a different perspective. I was worried if the tent wasn't warm enough or the air beds were too soft or the backyard animals paid a visit and all the worries that a mom is good at... But Chloe thought differently as if I was being left out. Hahaha.

All in all, both of them had such a great time. Thumbs up to Daddy Chean for his brilliant idea, the girls are so blessed to have such a fun addy to be around with. It was indeed a special day for Chean and me too.

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(not really)

If you still can't get enough of this camping post. I have something extra juicy for you.

【父親節特輯】Backyard Camping 後院露營 ⛺️ 劉先森的爸爸經，開箱孩子的背包，談父愛哭陷回憶殺

#20 If you are interested to find out what's in the girls' backpacks or wanted to hear our heart-to-heart couple talk about Father's Day inside the tent... Or simply just being curious to see how we sound like... C.L.I.C.K.  on it and let me know what you think 😊😊😊



Happy reading! Or should I say... Happy Watching!



XOXO,
Beverly