好久好久不见

我和我的好朋友们已经快两年没见面了
有时Whatsapp他们的时候很想问他们：
“你有想念我吗？”
可是又害怕他说：“有。”
因为有的话，我又能怎样？
但如果说没有，我又会失望。

 十分矛盾。 

自从我们出了社会工作，组织了家庭之后，
其实就只有过年的时候可以hangout一下。
其他的时间，都是聚少离多的。
没办法，我在旧金山，他们都在KL。
以前没有Facebook的时候，还会偶尔打电话聊天。
现在有了Whatsapp跟Wechat，让我变得不好意思打电话。
我怕会打扰到朋友，没什么urgent的事最好不要call，
不然他们会担心我的。

 小时候听大人说：
 “你一生中最要好的朋友只会是那两三个而已。”
长大后的我懂了，
因为时间不允许。
我们要忙着hit target，三点见client，六点有dinner plan。
我们要接孩子放学，两点有补习班，五点学钢琴。
我们要去自助旅行，下个月去norway，四月去韩国。
我们有各自的计划，
只是我们的计划里没有我们。
我们能为对方做的事，卑微到只能彼此鼓励和默默支持对方。 

长大后，我变成了那个接孩子放学的。
当妈妈后，我常常听别人说：
“你这一辈子只能拥有孩子16年，要好好珍惜。等他们上中学，去college了就不黏你了。”
如果有机会回到过去，
我想对13岁的我说：
“你这辈子其实只能拥有你好朋友几年而已。
等他们去college，去工作，有家庭了就很少机会hangout了。”
然后，
我会为自己幼稚的行为道歉，
也不执着于好朋友的不懂事，
因为我们只能拥有彼此这几年而已。
几年后的我们，
会在职场上，clubbing，咖啡厅，菜市场，孩子学校的parking lot，甚至旅行的路途上，
遇到人生另一个阶段的好朋友。
不是什么贪新厌旧，
只是人在不同的阶段，终究会需要不同的朋友。
就好像，
我搞不懂你职场上所面对的勾心斗角，
你也弄不清我为什么会为了学区搬家。 

每当我认识一位新的朋友，
我都会想起我们的那些年。
青涩单纯，懵懂的少女时代。
 我们都不太习惯肉麻的话，
感情太泛滥很难收拾心情。
所以，
我们讲废话，
我们爱傻笑。
但笑中带泪。

可是，
今晚的我，
特别特别想念你们。

 “你有想念我吗？”

 
摄于日本京都，12月2017年。



XOXO，
Bev

It's all good

你常说 ，怎么还像个孩子，总是活在自己的世界里。

哪有什么不好？
如果这辈子可以永远像个孩子，多好。
就因为你的好让我不用着急成长。

你常说，别老是心不在焉，想说什么就说啊。

很多的话想说，
不过一开口的刹那又被沉默诅咒，多难。
就因为每次说了之后又被当小孩看待。

你常说，伤神又多余的事情不要去费心。
可是费心的事，
多半是我各自伤神而你在叹息，多余。
就因为没经你核实的悲伤是多愁善感。

那天刚好，
天上飘着的毛毛细雨没被你挡着，
一丝一丝地落到我的发梢，
湿了头发，红了眼眶。
我忘了告诉你，喧哗过后的那一片寂静，

我在你的眼睛里看到了自己，
原来你爱的我是长那样子的，多美。

可你却说，在我的眼里你找不到自己。

该怎么说呢亲爱的，
如果你用真心去感受，
你其实一直就住在我的心里，多深。

有一种爱学会放手后会更懂得去爱，
有一种思念懂得心痛的感觉后会更想念。
人生只有在活出了自己之后才会精彩。
倘若我不在自己的世界里过好，怎么还有资格到你的世界里插一脚？

但这一生，我最终想要追求的，
不是轰轰烈烈或凄美的爱情，是你。
所以在我的世界里，一切一切，都很好。
因为我爱过你，我爱着你。
－－《贝薇丽的秘密》

2014年12月16日上。

P.E.N.D.I.N.G

Ladies and gentlemen, greetings from San Francisco. The time is 11:37pm. Today's weather is partly cloudy, with a temperature of 11 degrees for tonight.

First, I'd like to give everyone a warm big hug (or we should do a group hug, that's even better) and thank each of you sincerely for still clicking this blog. I never thought I'd stop blogging just like I never thought I'd change this blog's privacy setting to public again. Seriously. The initial thought of keeping BS a private blog was to allow myself some time to focus on the new transition, new social circle, new daily schedule, and most importantly new life in a big and extremely competitive city. Moreover, I hate the feeling of being obligated to do something, I'd rather not do it at all. So, instead of biting off more than I can chew, I choose to temporary "let go" things that I can live without, blog, fancy nail art, excessive makeup (not necessary a bad thing btw), workout session, yup, even retail therapy and more... For all these months, I was a full-time mom, a hardworking homemaker and shamelessly saying, a perfect wife to Chean (because I cut down the shopping, you see). Sadly I was no longer myself; I don't even use the name Beverly at all because that reminds me of my old self, the vain and immature Beverly that I think my baby doesn't need to know. But deep down, those are the things that make me me, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying appearance is everything but the way you carry yourself does say a lot about you. After all, I shouldn't turn myself into someone that I don't even adore for whatever solid reasons they may sound, and my husband definitely deserves a "better" me.

I guess I finally reached the "rock bottom" when Chean unintentionally said, "Why don't you dress up like the way you were before Bao Bei?" We're about to go out yet I was wearing the same old tee from yesterday and the same old jeans that I've been wearing for the whole week. That's enough. I honestly need to pick up the slack.

So? What now? Well, nothing much actually.

I'm still constantly battling with the extra 3kg post-baby weight yet the full-plate dinner always wins, I simply need to eat myself into oblivion to feel that I'm still alive...

I'm still owing T.H.R.E.E. advertorials from my sponsors. Thank you Apothica, Racinne USA and Uniqso for patiently waiting for my return, embarrassedly saying.

I'm still working on the new BS layout. The previous efforts on the blog design took BS no way; it sucks max to know that I can't make a glamor return in the virtual world.

I'm still coping with (postpartum) depression, I know, I don't even qualified for that but trust me, having and raising a baby does make me feel like an emotional train wreck sometimes, especially I can't get much help from my family.

I'm still learning to juggle between being a good mom and a good wife. It's sooooo hard because my mother instinct customary presets my brain to think and function as a mom, but I'll never quit trying, darling...

I'm still picking the same pair of jeans over a fancy dress for daily routine. Speed and convenience are everything when it comes to parenthood. Don't assume you can walk down the sidewalk everyday like Victoria Beckham, that won't exist unless you have two extra pairs of hands standing by, a maid and a driver of course. Even if you can afford that, you're still not Victoria Beckham, bleh.

I guess all I wanted to say is that I'm here and I'm back, despite how dysfunctional my new life might sound. Things are just going to get better, I believe.



While I was walking past a local shop last weekend, I saw a meaningful sentence that said, "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." The moment I read the phrase, it brought tears to my eyes, I miss living my life as Beverly no matter how much I'm in love with my new role as a mom. It took me approximately four months and 898738942 glasses of alcohol drinks to lift myself up and to realize what really moves me. No regret for the long break, life is a self-discovery journey after all... Although I have no idea where this journey gonna lead me to nor when will I eventually reach my final destination, I'm beyond elated to have every one of you onboard with me.

Thank you. Once again. For always sticking around. Until then, sit back, relax and enjoy.



Miss you all,
Bev

S.O.S (Updated)

** Updates **

Yeah, sent my bag to the LV store last weekend and they said the torn piping is very common and it can be fixed at a "reasonable" cost--$115 each side. They would even repair it for F.R.E.E if your LV broke less than a year after purchasing it. Guess what, the sales person suggested me to use my Speedy for a while more longer before sending it for the piping repair since the damaged area does not seem too severe. How thoughtful! Love LV attentive & awesome customer service as always; LV bags are still worth investing on after all ^_____^V

*************************************************

"Bao Bei, your Speedy is worn! Oh, the piping is coming out!"

"Ahhhh... Where got?"

"See..."

"How come? I cannot accept this (T_____T)"


#1 Monogram Speedy 30, it's my first real designer handbag, the first member of my LV collection (I only have a few); Chean got it for me on my birthday and I have been using it as a everyday bag since then.

You have seen me carrying it everywhere, shopping, dining, traveling, even picking up grocery; it's just super versatile, beyond classic and I still enjoy carrying it around till this day. I love all my bags, high-end or low-end, designers or bargains, each of them has a story to tell, they mark unique journey of my life and each of them shares different responsibilities too.

It's my fault. I do not take good care of them. I simply toss them around the house or leave it on the floor, jeez, I even let Miyaki sleep on them sometimes... Sigh... I wish I could turn back time and reverse the damages I have caused to my Speedy.


#2 My heart is aching & bleeding...


#3 Can't look at it anymore (T^T)

To be frankly, I cried a little. Mum-to-be has the definite right to be emo & to cry over small little things can. This bag means a lot to me, and I was planning to pass down my Speedy to my BB when she turns 16 or whenever she feels like having it, but this whole fantasy of mine seems hopeless now. And it's all because of my carelessness.


#4 R.I.P for now...

I'm gonna bring it to the LV store and ask for help, hope they could get it fix at a reasonable price. Wish me luck people! *keeping my fingers crossed*



Upset & down,
Bev

Saga

#1

** Itemization **

Shades, Carrera
Necklace, Forever 21
Black ring, Forever 21
Bracelet, Vivienne Westwood (Thank you San San for the amazing wedding gift)
Nail polish, O.P.I
Top, Forever 21
Acid Wash Jeans, Forever 21
Boots, GUESS?

#2


#3


#4


#5


#6


#7


#8


#9


#10


#11


#12


Sometimes I wish I could just disappear and vanish into thin air like I never existed before so that I could set the darkest side of my soul free and be able to breathe again. Breathe in the new life and leave the old one behind. It's a new year after all, let me die and live again...



Ferociously yours,
Bev

A Great Solace

Miyaki is truly a godsend, super well behaved and obedient all the time. I'm not bragging or exaggerating; it is his amazing self-discipline and lovable traits that makes him such an adorable baby. Things like, he will only eat on his eating mat and never on the floor unless I allow him to, he doesn't dare to ignore my commands when I sound super serious, he will stay in a fix position as long as I want him to and etc, are just the super basic stuffs he does. Most of all the unbelievable good behaviors, he understands me. I know this might sound crazy, but he really does. He feels the energy in the room, happy or sad, positive or negative, encouraging or disapproving.

I think he kinda know that I'm upset over Hammie's incident recently, that is why he has been spending most of the time cuddling on my laps, kissing my tights and looking at me in a reassuring way today.



So darling... I don't think I could ask for anything more from him actually. Miyaki baby, thank you for being such an awesome doggie! You are simply irreplaceable, the best birthday gift Chean ever got me...



p/s: Thank you everyone for the comforting words, it helps me get past the guilt of being a irresponsible pet owner. Appreciated that!

p/p/s: I'm gonna blog about stuffs that I recently purchased, in return for your kindness to me! See you again tomorrow!





Love,
Bev

Murmurs

One year and 3 months ago, I brought Hammie home with a pretty pink cage and a plethora of small pet supplies, bedding, food, treat, toy, supplement, cage accessories... you name it, I'd probably already had it, but I left out the most important tool -- the book "Hamster for Dummies".

With limited experience & knowledge, I ended up being a real bad second-time hamster parent, not knowing & understanding his needs & wants. And the worst part is I failed to interact with him at all, AT ALL. He doesn't let me touch him, don't even mention about cuddle. Although I've tried following some simple guidelines I found online and read in books, he is still very uneasy around me and when I try to tame her, he will aggressively runs away and hides. Guess what, he bites too, S.I.G.H...

I got bitten by Hammie again yesterday, for the 73476739389th time. Deep down, I think Hammie really hates me...


#1 The uncountable teeny bite marks on the cage bars.


#2 Many said he might be bored or trying to get my attention or he simply needs a chew sticks...


#3 But he has tons of treats & chewing toys... So why?




#4 He is just insecure and scared of me, I think T_____T


#5 He seems more relax and less anxious when I'm not trying to touch him.


#6


#7 See, super zen until almost fell asleep...

Ok, I better don't kacau him, anyhow, it's nearly impossible to get a still shot of Hammie cause he is constantly moving, running, chewing & hiding whenever I'm around =.=lll

Let me show you his stuffs instead...


#8 The pink habitat I created, makes me so elated just by looking at it. Ya, that's the Christmas stocking I sew for him last year :D


#9 One of his favorite treats of all time, take him forever to finish a bar though.


#10 The only time he interacts with me is when I feed him with these... Forever thankful to Petsmart!


#11 Not sure if he likes it but there's not much to buy for Hammie, really, so I buy this for the sake of buying it.


#12 And this one too, too cute to not put in the shopping cart.


#13 Used to decorate his cage with these colorful fluffy puffballs but slowly found the extra cleaning work a total mess. Hammie looked desperately missing his puffballs, maybe I'll put them back. Hmm...


#14 Ok, it's the box that he liked! Forget about the puffballs then :p

************************************************

Dear Hammie,

Many have said to me that Roborovski hamster are very hard to tame, and some Robos will never be tamed. I know it but you are just too cute when we first met, so I thought if I work hard enough, I could really bond with you. Mummy failed eventually. It's completely fine if you want to have more privacy and solely enjoy the moment being with yourself, although it kills me to see you being lonely all the time. I'm sorry, I should have bought you a friend before bringing you home, my bad. Now that you are almost 2 years old (most hamsters have an average lifespan of about 2 to 3 years) and the staff at pet store told me it's a little too late and too risky to introduce you a new friend to live with. I don't want to make you stressed out, fight or attack your new buddy nor see anyone of you ending up injured or dead. Because I love you so much. Not sure if you know that but I wish you do...





From,
The worst mum ever

Angels in Heaven

今年的生日，
我给BS写了第一篇中文的博客文章 Dear Beverly Esp 2。
那是一件很吃力的事，我几乎把汉语拼音都给忘了；
也是一个冲动的决定，不会中文的BSers该怎么办？
最后说服自己......
反正不是每一个人都有能力闯进别人的内心世界，
反正BS一开始就只是个单纯和别人分享故事的平台，
反正很多事不是拼一拼26个英文字母就可以说清楚的。
所以也做了决定，写了《贝薇丽》的序页。

之前觉得2010年过的太快，让我措手不及。
但是2011年却不甘示弱地迎头赶上。
感谢2011年，
它让我赶上了三度失去亲人的滋味，
它也让我赶上了被幸福包围的喜悦。
一切看似不可能的可能都在2011，让生活措手不及。
我能做的就只有这样，默默地看着悲欢交替。

其实很讨厌用中文写博客文章，真的。
太赤裸，太懦弱，太不像自己的自己。
那是一件很空洞，很恐怖的事。
再说，世界不需要悲伤，
太煽情的内容又觉恶心。
所以，这会是最后一篇中文的BS文章。
想要把更多的秘密留给《贝薇丽》。

在结婚的前一晚，
弟弟随意地弹着吉他 我用沙哑的喉咙颤抖哽咽地唱着梁泳琪的火花。
送给天上所有的天使们，我说。
我爱的和爱我的，我认识的和不认识的，
谢谢你们一直爱着我，守护着我，
生命中有过你们，我是幸运的，我是幸福的。

接下来的日子，我还有好多好多的事要做，
好多好多的故事想说......
但能幸福地活着，其实已经是一件很了不起的事。


最后，也将这个送你们。愿生活愉快，一起努力加油！



Love & Kisses,
Bev

The Aftermath

Time flew. It's been a month since Chean's beloved father left this world.

We tried to convince ourselves the silent departure was not real, that we would wake up to find it a dream. It just seemed too sudden and too unexpected to be real; but deep down in our hearts we knew that it was real...

They said life goes on, time will heal and we will get through this for sure... I honestly think so too, maybe we just need more time...

Thank you for all the kind words of condolence and sympathy, they touched us deeply and helped lift our spirits. Chean and I are forever thankful to all our friends and families for being there for us at this difficult time.

Life is so fragile after all, and we are learning to live and love again...



Hugs,
Bev

The Silent Departure

I really don't know how to start this, not solely this but to leave everything behind and move on to a whole new phase of life. I think these few months have been a little too hectic, too unpredictable, too overwhelming and too much for me to handle (There's nothing to do with my new job frankly speaking, I'm all good with it and am enjoying every single day I spend at the agency; the working experience definitely deserves another full posting, I'll come back for that).

At the beginning of this year, I was totally hyped about my 2011 plans. I frivolously told everyone (including you I guess), my friends and families that this year, this super fabulous 2011 is going to be my year. You know, with my wedding, my new job, my long-awaited honeymoon in Japan and all kinds of excitements that I can hardly anticipate.

And then BOOM...

On March 11, a 9.0-magnitude earthquake triggered extremely destructive tsunami in Japan and hit the country so bad, so bad. My heart sunk while reading the news and watching those shocking videos; it felt like the end of the world. The first thing that came into my mind was my friends in Japan, and then it was this strong feeling that forced me to ask myself: What if something unforeseeable happen to me or to my family right now? So I cried. For the entire Japanese nation and for myself too.

** Please donate money to your local Japan society for Japan Earthquake/Tsunami Relief, if you haven't already done so. Anything helps.

And then on March 13 (It's March 14 though, according to M'sia time zone)...

I think Chean and I were actually watching Kung Fu Panda in our living room, lazying on our cozy couch and snacking potato chips. Coincidentally, our phones were dead, ya, three phones, and we didn't seem to be bothered. Well, it's Sunday after all and we thought we deserve a laid back evening. It's odd, I usually have my computer sitting right next to me whenever I watch TV or do anything, but it's just not that Sunday. So after we finished the whole movie, I went upstairs, turned on my lappie and I saw all these emails, Facebook messages that said: Ask Chean to call home! Urgent!!!

I shiveringly shouted out loud... CALL HOME! N.O.W!!!

Predictably, something bad happened. Something really bad. And none of us actually predicted that. Chean's dad was hospitalized and it's very critical.

My heart sunk again, for the second time in the same month. Chean needed to be homed as soon as possible, no matter what, no matter how. So I helped him packed his luggage while he was busy working on air ticket. Yup, just him, I'll stay in the U.S. to take care of everything. I guess I heard his heartbeat as if it's jumping out of his chest throughout the next two hours.

We're so worried. We prayed the hardest. It was just an random unfortunate incident and his dad will definitely get better soon. Ticket booked successfully, Chean will be home in the next 26 hours. So he called home again.

But this time, God answered the phone instead; He told him sorry, everything's just too late... Chean will never get to see his dad again... N.E.V.E.R...

I didn't know how we manage to do that, we both reached home safely in the next 26 hours, just that we never make it on time, no matter how hard we try, how sincere we pray. We are always too late for goodbye, always...

Goodbye

Until we meet again in heaven...


Truly yours,
Bev

The Untitled

Heavy-heartedly yours,
Bev

So this is it

So this is it. The inevitable circle of life. The unbearable heartbreak. The sudden goodbye. The cries and tears. The funeral and the heavyhearted cremation ceremony. All these have taken a fine man away from my family, and left us only with sweet memories.

No, I didn't get to say goodbye to him, to my uncle. We called him 五叔 (pronounced as "mm soak" in Cantonese), it means the 5th Uncle.

Have you ever watched any Hong Kong drama series about family melodrama with a 1970-80s background setting? If you have, it'll give you a clearer and better picture about where I'm coming from. Yup, exactly like those typical huge family shown in those HK drama series. We all lived under the same roof, and when I say we I mean 6 uncles plus their wives (including my mum & dad), 3 aunts, and my grandparents. Those days were before I was born. As far as I could recall, 2 aunts moved out later to venture their futures in other regions, their braveness and adventure spirits made more room for their brothers to have children; then, I was born into this big family.

As time evolved, more grandchildren were brought into the family and more rooms were built to accommodate the expanding family tree; the house was getting crowded than ever. Well, that equally means more conflicts, more politics, and more dramas too. But those dramas only applied to adults, we children, or at least to me, actually adored the special closeness, the strong bond, and of course the happening environment too. Imagine having different uncles treating you ice-cream every weekend, how awesome! And among all the uncles, my 5th Uncle was the most generous one (and very humorous too). He loves all his nephews and nieces wholeheartedly. You know, during CNY, he will bring us to the grocery store, which was 10 mins from our house, and spend 100 bucks solely on fireworks for us.

(Wrote a few more paragraphs about my childhood stories with my 5th uncle, but I decided to delete them instead. I'm trying not to get too emotional into this as I know my family members are probably reading this too. So, I think I better stop. Forgive me for the unstructured flow of this post.)

Even though my mum has helped me deliver my condolence and sympathy to my 5th Aunt, I still hope to make the least effort to thank my uncle for being so helpful, so caring and overly kind to my family all these while. We would never ever repay his kindness and will forever owe him his generosity and his thoughtfulness.

Goodbye, 五叔. May you rest in peace. And please say hi to grandma if you meet her in heaven, which I know you surely will.



Love,
Bev

Miyaki & The Snowy Morning

Pic #1


Pic #2


Pic #3


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Pic #6


Pic #7


Pic #8

It was snowing so beautifully that day. Chean & I woke up to a snowy white morning, we gave Miyaki a morning hug as usual, carried him up in our bed and then cuddled him on our laps before taking him out for a short walk and potty.

Miyaki loves to play in snow. He likes to chase the snowflakes, taste it; he loves to jump up and down, dig in the snow and come up covered in it. Everything just went normally fine that morning, it was beyond awesome in fact, until we came home from the afternoon-tea-plus-black-swan-movie date, things got really severe.

He can't walk, he can't even stand properly; his left rear leg suddenly became paralyzed and the pain he's experiencing was intolerable. We knew it right away, it's his back problem that caused that. Remember we rushed him to the emergency room one month ago? The history repeated itself once again but more furious this time. He didn't let us touch him, not even a gentle pet. He slowly arched his back up in pain, and then kept that posture for two hours. We fed him the medications which the vet gave us last time, but nothing can help relieve the intense pain at all.

Once again, we carried him to the emergency room around 3a.m that night. He cried so bad (so did I) but he seemed exciting to meet his old friend, Dr. Alison again in the clinic. After 20 mins of examination, the vet gave him an anti-inflammatory shot and 3 different medicines to get him through the weekend because Veterinary Neurological Specialist only available during weekday business hour.

Right now everything's pretty much under control, Miyaki seems responding well to the medications and we have made appointment with the Veterinary Neurological Center this week for MRI and further examination, we will see how thing goes from there. I hope he doesn't need to undergo any surgery at such young age.

It's still a blessing to have Miyaki even though he has been recently suspected of having intervertebral disc disease, which is very rare for a barely 2-year-old puppy; I'll stand by you baby, you are always the best doggie to me, ever.

Love you Miyaki! Get well soon k, promised ❤❤



Hugs & kisses,
Bev